I feel like I need to have a real funeral so I can properly mourn the young, happy, carefree, independent working man living on his own enjoying a fantastic social life with many friends and girlfriends and an incredibly bright future. What a shock, for the first time to put a monetary value to who I could have become, and the reality that I will never be able to live alone again. I am so young, my life as I had known it cut short 18 days before my 21st birthday. How am I supposed to comprehend that? I ask 'why me?' I can't even wipe my own bottom.

Waiting like a child, asking people to pick me up, embarrassing beyond belief. I can't even come home when I am ready, I have to ask for a lift home. My self confidence is in tatters, I don't feel like that once good-looking, confident, young guy able to chat up the chicks and always get a laugh; one of the boys. Will I ever find a wife, get married and have kids like all my friends? Will anyone love a disabled man enough to be with them out of love and not just feel sorry for them? It's a question I wrestle with every day.

I cannot face that. As always again tonight I will just be that guy that everyone smiles at and says "hi" to but feels sorry for. I just don't want to do it, to always be strong because, if I break, will I ever come back again? Day after day I have to be taken to therapy session after therapy session whereI have to work so hard with all the strength I can muster, exhausted att he end. Not so that I can have a beautiful body to show off in the gym or at the beach but so that, somehow, I can learn to try and walk again insome semblance of normality. So bitter sweet. Have worked so hard to just get this far and yet I am a million miles from normal. Will I ever truly come to terms with how five people were in the same accident and yet all walked out except me: quadriplegic for the rest of my natural life.

I thought about taking tablets today so I could just chill my mind and not have to think about how one person's selfish actions changed my life one night forever. I am so angry at the driver. I wish the worst for him. I am angry at God that he could allow this to happen, yet I am so grateful that I am alive."

ri-dot