“I get the impressionlately that my partner is getting fed up with all the preparation before we can have sex. It is a mission sometimes to make sure bowel and bladder is empty, transfer from chair to bed, get undressed with assistance and then my dear caregiver is hovering in the vicinity … and then the battle to get a good erection … is this as good as it gets for a quad?"

The able bodied community have a similar problem! I often get ladies in my practice who complain of sex becoming a chore because their partners’ idea of foreplay consists of a tap on her shoulder when they are in bed and the husband sayingin a husky voice: “Turn around”!

Between daily life and the insertion of Part A into Part B (and moving rapidly in and out) lies the world of fantasy and foreplay that we all seem to know so little about.

The two sexes are miles apart when it comes to sexual attraction and arousal. Men are sensory beings and rely on their sense of sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch to become aroused. There is usually enough of these stimuli around for a guy to get aroused very easily and quickly and he is ready for ‘business’ quite effortlessly. If input is available to all five senses the process becomes even stronger and quicker.

Women require additional and different stimuli. They are also turned on by sensory experiences but also require an emotional component. They need to hear and experience, for example, that they are not merely considered a commodity, that they are respected, that they are special and, in most cases, that they are the only one you wish to be intimate with. Confidence and trust also play a role.

This is where foreplay and fantasy play an important part. Foreplay lowers inhibition and increases the emotional comfort of partners. It also prepares, by stimulation, the partners’ bodies (through lubrication and erection).

Because of the differences in genders, females require more time to become sexually aroused to the same level as a male partner. In your situation the time spent getting ready for sex is not foreplay. If you can introduce foreplay before and during your preparations your partner will have the opportunity to mentally prepare and become equally aroused.

Foreplay can start long before actual intimacy, even when apart, by sending each other suggestive and provocative messages to and fro on all the electronic media such as text messages, email, BBM, Whatsapp, etc. Tell them what you have in mind forlater and what you might get up to, or down to, or into. Your partner willstart fantasizing about the forthcoming encounter and build up sexual tensionsand mental pictures of exciting times to come.

When you aretogether, and while you are preparing yourself for intimacy, you can role-playa scenario by wearing costumes or stripping down bit-by-bit and at the sametime using fantasy to imagine that you are strangers (for instance). You couldstart a sentence and your partner can continue it until the story becomessexually explicit. This provides both partners opportunity to express aloud their sexual fantasies and desires.

Once you are naked try not to touch your partners’ genitals or breasts immediately. Concentrate on caressing the rest of her body first. If hand and arm mobility is reduced ask your partner to place the areas she wants attention to in reach of your lips or tongue.

With a little imagination foreplay and fantasy can deliver pleasure, passion and sensuality. Enjoy!! – Willem Stiglingh

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