Back Chat - Trusting…
For quite some time now I’ve been dealing with some inner demons. You know those demons that you can’t see? You can’t put your arms around its neck to choke them away. Those demons that you face when it’s just you against the world, against reality, against yourself. Those of us with some chronic medical situations have to deal with these inner, unseen demons more often than other people. Even though with each challenge we somehow, through the Higher Power, seem to overcome and move on; this time around I’ve been caught off-guard.
I’m not timid or easily shaken person. Throughout my life, especially since I sustained a spinal cord injury 11 years ago, I have learned to be more proactive, assertive about what I want and in control of my life. I’ve always known what I needed to do to come out of challenging situations. Well, like the saying that goes… “Nothing lasts forever”, I seem to have run out of that inner wisdom and strength this time around. It took me a while to figure out what to even write to you about this time, usually this comes easy because there’s just so much that happen on a daily basis. But I found myself sitting with pen in hand and my mind just shut down.
Often, after about every five years, I find myself going back to the drawing board to check on my life, evaluating my achievements and analyzing my mistakes. I then go through a process of introspection. For me to really get to the bottom of everything that worries and compromises my behaviour, introspection has proved to be the number one solution. I read anything from self-help, motivational, inspirational, to watching spiritual uplifting DVD’s. Anything that talks to my situation I dig in. Usually this process takes about a week or two and then I regroup. This time it’s different. I have been hit very hard and I’m battling to work through my emotions.
I woke up one morning feeling lonesome and empty. I didn’t have an appetite for much about life or myself and I felt so broken. I found myself thinking about what I have been doing to fill the gaps of my empty soul and the company that I keep. I strive to live a Christ-like life and when it comes to choosing my acquaintances (with friends it’s different), I don’t take the “Holier-than-thou” approach. I welcome anyone I feel comfortable being with, as long as they don’t have habits that would influence me negatively. People that fit in with my outgoing and outspoken personality and lifestyle, I welcome! As much fun as it may be at times, it’s not always a good thing to live with. I must admit I’m not Jesus and don’t have all His strength to deal with everyone’s complexities.
This can sometimes work to my disadvantage though. I don’t judge and nor am I Jesus and definitely don’t have His capabilities to deal with every situation like He does. As I laid in bed thinking about my situation, I asked myself two questions… “Why am I here?” and “Am I living my Purpose?”. I struggled with my thoughts for an hour until a thought came through to send a friend a text message and cry out to her. To my surprise she responded positively and came shortly to spend the day with me. She arrived and didn’t judge me at all. Didn’t ask to many questions but just wanted to know what I was going through. I’m always the one in general do most of the talking but for once, I was speechless. I had so much to say when I texted her a while ago but I just couldn’t say much.
You know that feeling when it’s like you have a hard stone sitting on your chest covering your heart? Preventing you from feeling any emotion or receiving and giving love? I felt that way but she sat there with me and took me through some spiritual process and patiently helped me understand something quite profound ~ I need to TRUST in God and surrender all to Him. It hasn’t been easy but we’re working through some empowering exercises and all I can do is thank God for sending me such an angel. He says in His Word that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I also know for sure that when the student is ready… the teacher will appear. This I know for sure!
It’s early days and can’t say much right now but: I’m thankful for this inner demon and the ability to introspect and work through my issues with someone so humble and full of love, not only for me but for love itself. Who knows, I could be transforming to being someone more powerful, so special and phenomenal? Know this though, whatever your situation, no matter how big and how rough it may look and feel right now, nothing lasts forever and you are never, never alone! I sure am not alone right now and I’m grateful for the love that’s surrounding me, to help me through this process.
Trusting can come easy to some but for others it could be our worst enemy. Not knowing what to do about those challenging situations can seem defeating. But breaking those inner walls and allowing yourself to be vulnerable for just once can do you good. Like myself, we can learn to trust first in ourselves, in the Higher Power and then in the process. We all but walk THROUGH our challenges towards enlightenment. I pray that we all find inner peace and contentment in all that we are and do ~ always! Let’s work towards reaching core strength.